University Challenged: UTAS Guide to Cambridge vs Oxford

It's the derby everyone in your office is excited about - Cambridge vs Oxford! "Is it a big rivalry?", you'll be asked ten times a day by the various Arsenal and Liverpool fans you work with. "But what about the boat race?". But don't worry - UTAS have put together a short guide to the rivalry between these two fine cities for you to share with them.

Colleges:

Oxford is home to a number of world famous Universities, including the renowned Oxford Brooks, home of notable alumni such as Melody Hossani from series seven of the Apprentice, and the musician Burna Boy. Cambridge, on the other hand is home to ARU, situated across the road to high-end shopping mecca the Grafton Centre and with such outstanding former students as the CEO of OnlyFans and the bloke that designed the Ford Sierra.

Both these famous colleges compete in an annual boat race known as The Boat Race.

Traffic:

Whilst Cambridge wrestles with the implementation of a five pound a day congestion charge Oxford has gone one better, putting in place something called "fifteen minute cities". This stops residents of the City driving their cars anywhere or even leaving a fifteen minute radius on foot. Local areas are patrolled by armed guards, with a shoot-to-kill policy for anyone who tries to go to the shops a couple of streets over. The policy was secretly enacted by four-foot-ten Prime Minister Rishi Sunak and would have stayed secret if it wasn't for the brave investigative journalism of former footballer Matt Le Tissier and professional divorced dad Lawrence Fox.

Football Grounds:

This is where things get serious, Oxford's football ground is alright, but lacks one crucial element: a fourth stand. On the other hand, The Abbey Stadium is a Cambridge landmark, it's four towering floodlights welcoming fans from as far away as Ely and Haverhill. It's also home to the best bacon rolls in the country, rolls so good that after winning the prize in 1996 it was agreed they'd never be bettered so hasn't been awarded since.

Famous Residents:

Cambridge has been home to precisely two famous people in its time - Stephen Hawking and Syd Barrett from Pink Floyd. Oxford on the other hand boasts as many as eight celebrity residents - all four members of Radiohead as well as the four members of popular shoegaze combo Ride.

Music:

Groove Armada are better than Radiohead and we won't hear anyone claim otherwise.

Conclusion:

In short, the vast majority of United fans don't give a shit about the other one and vice-versa. Only students care about the boat race or varsity rugby games or University Challenge. Now, when's the B*ro game?