How Will United's Season Pan Out From Here?

So, where next? We take a (slightly tongue-in-cheek) look at five different scenarios that could play out over the next few months

Bit of a shock yesterday, wasn’t it? Imagine how surprised Paul Barry must have been to get that text from Harris after the game. Now he’s got to spend his day searching for a new manager when he could be doing whatever he normally does for work. Luckily Owen & Jules weren’t quite so busy, so came up with a few alternative options and predicted just how they would work out for the club.

Scenario 1: Gary Rowett

The board move quickly to appoint fans’ favourite Rowett and he wins a few games, loses a few more and ultimately keeps United in the division with a couple of games to spare. He then moves to Millwall during pre-season following the sacking of Neil Harris.

Scenario 2: Barry Corr & Kevin Betsy

Baz & Kev take charge on Saturday against P*sh and lead United to a rousing 7-0 win. They both fist pump the NRE in unison before going on to lead United to a five game winning-streak, ensuring safety by mid-March. They get the job full-time although Barry’s knee goes in the post-season celebrations meaning he has to coach the first six months of 2024/25 from the wheelchair area next to the NRE. Betsy takes over from Southgate for the World Cup qualifiers and leads England to the Final, where they lose 1-0 to Herve Renard’s new side Qatar. Barry’s attacking nous works wonders on our goal-shy squad, and everyone finishes the season on double figures, with the exception of James Brophy.

Scenario 3: Harrison Dunk

A surprise but much-celebrated choice for many, club legend Dunk comes in and revolutionises the club from top to bottom. Appointing himself player/manager/chief legal counsel, he puts himself up front for the rest of the season, scoring a club-record breaking 35 goals in the remaining games. A fifteen-grand a week move to Wrexham (by this point relegated to the Conference for severe misconduct discovered during an audit by H. Dunk Legal Services Ltd) is touted, but H says live on BBC Radio Cambridge that Deadpool was shit and that United have the higher ceiling, despite what Paul Mullin wrote in his book. Dunk continues to manage United for the next twenty-five years, ushering in an era of complete domestic and European dominance funded by AstraZeneca and Microsoft once the new badge - a picture of Dunk’s face with the words Cambridge United above it - is announced. He finally retires in 2049, alongside a 54 year old James Brophy, still looking for his second United goal.

Scenario 4: John Beck

Giving in to pressure from the more intelligent factions of the Cambridge United Message Board and Amber Army Facebook Group, Paul Barry unveils John Beck as manager. Ben Strang is relieved of his duties after presenting his transfer targets, who are all under 6’4”. With the money saved by not heating the water United are able to attract some of the tallest players in the world, and break their transfer record yet again to bring in Steve Claridge, but he is dropped after one game for cutting inside instead of crossing. Despite Beck’s tactical genius United struggle to pick up wins and are relegated after James Brophy puts one over from three yards in the last game of the season.

Scenario 5: A Cambridge University Merger

Now we’re talking. The brightest minds in the city manage to use AI to transfer Stephen Hawking’s knowledge into a laptop running a copy of Football Manager 2024 to identify the players with the best potential. This is a revelation, with United being able to pick from a team of wonderkids from the Brazilian lower leagues. The coaching staff are all replaced by academics, looking to use their enlarged brains to develop a new Moneyball-style system. Unfortunately, a gap in the code means the system is unable to identify suitable left-wingers, so James Brophy remains at the club, and despite a lesson in physics, angles and geometry from the greatest scientists and mathematicians the world has ever known, he still remains on just one goal for the club.